nobody wants to be alone

"Some may choose to be alone, but I believe nobody ever wants or likes to be alone"

I personally doubt anyone still visits this blog anyway
since I leave it abandoned and unattended so darn often.

But yea, i still enjoy blogging when I have the mood or perhaps time to do so
The idea that someone is actually reading and knowing what's going on with me
or perhaps reading what I want/have to share soothes me :)

You may say it's weird, but I'm telling you now,
I'm just being... "Me" :)

So what do i have to share this time you're asking?
typical stories from my uni experience
and also...
something I felt these few days

keep reading on only if you intend to know :)
I mean... I don't wanna waste your time..
time is precious
and I beat around the bush a lot...
Sorry for doing that but these feelings just pop in when the writing mood is sparked

So, anyway...

First of all, my semester 1 final exam is next week...
which means I will be moving on to sem 2 soon...
how time flies...
poof poof poof
I'm in Uni for 14 weeks already wtf?

As for my timetable, I got exactly what i wanted,
although I am still forced to attend uni every weekday
and also everyday (except Tuesday) i'll have class at 8am T^T
for a person who rely on public transports..
that will definitely be an obstacle/challenge to me...
waking up early is definitely gonna cost me my health
you know me... late night person lol

moving on,
fighting to register for the timetable with other fellow UTARians
was something that actually can be considered "exciting" or "difficult"
It depends how you look at it but I took it as an 'intense battle'
I mean... the "war" was so intense that even a cybercafe's internet connection will lag..
so DO imagine how intense and exciting it was..
and the thrill of getting what you want!!! :)
some of my friends, didn't get what they want...
I'm not sure whether I fail in comforting people or what...
but i really don't know what to say to them :/
perhaps its fate and that everything happens for a reason? hmmm :/
I don't know what to say, I just hope everyone is not too sad about all these
So what if i got all the timing I want?
I still got separated from my friends and life still goes on
of course it does...

With the finals coming,
I'm supposed to be working really hard
but I'm not sure why I still allow myself to slack off
It's getting out of hand
What has become of me?

Yeah... my determination and 'fire' was down the sewers partially
because my English assignment was disastrous
Its definitely gonna pull my marks/grades down (a lot)
and I wish I never had to think/talk about it ever again in my entire life
but everything keeps flashing back to me ):
I really wanted to do well in uni after that huge self-disappointment on spm
which already means nothing to me now
but because of this assignment, I'm giving on myself again??
kinda childish don't you think?
but I can't seem to do anything about it..
I want to MAKE that change, but how? :/
yea, kinda 'lost' in this situation
but nobody's gonna help me anymore...
grow up chi yan... grow the fuck up... :/

and to think I'm still living in Malaysia with my family...
I salute those friends who are overseas or even being away from family
away from KL and being so independent
I truly salute you and totally respect you!

I've been studying, yes its going in my head,
or perhaps, its STILL in my head
but I'm not too sure if its ENOUGH for finals...
but I'm feeling lazy at the wrong time
grr... gotta push myself..
its only 3 days left before finals.
come on chi yan.. just 3 days!
its only these 3 days you can try harder..
or else you'll regret! :O

sigh, all these negative feelings is very unhealthy
many nights I've been wondering to myself
why are all these negative feelings suddenly coming to me huh?
I thought I was happy??

and this is where the title of this blog post comes in
"nobody wants to be alone"
my classes for sem 1 has already ended,
the lecturers have already finished all the syllabus and I don't have to go to uni anymore
until the final exams
I didn't have any classes for about... 2 weeks?
my last class was last Wednesday and ONLY Wednesday
there was Raya holidays too so I have not been meeting my friends for some time

not seeing them and being at home all day for about 1 week+++ now?
it feels very abrupt
all of a sudden, im "alone"
well, I don't know how to explain this feeling
but its very unpleasant :/

i'm not sure if anyone will actually read until here
but yea...
I've not logged in to skype for about 5-6 days so far
only left my facebook logged in
is it just that everyone is really busy?
or it has always been like that:
the fact that no one ever looks for me...
i have conversations (for casual talk) usually because i started it :/
is it the same for everyone? or its just me huh?

Could it be Jealousy?
everyone has their own bff(s)
so do you, so do i (i think)
I see everyone else with their BFF, I can see the 'connection' between them
i see the bond, the friendship...
its so obvious you can literally see it!! (and almost feel it too!)
its like, you look at them and there's only 1 thing in your head
"they're bestfriends! :)"
someone once told me, it is the heart that counts :/
I'm still not too sure about that until today
I was told that she doesn't meet her bff for a month +
but when they meet, they can click and talk and talk like BFFs
well, you know who you are anyway..
its nice.. can I say im jealous? hehe :)
what this person told me has inspired me for a loooong looooong time
it fascinates me :)
but now..
the distance between them is SO FAR away...
so far that you can never reach by car!
but yet they are still so.. close
separated by distance but close by heart :')
it is the trust, the friendship itself that held them together
Distance was NEVER an obstacle to them

then i look at myself...
yeah...still in Malaysia
can reach by car
but why can't i feel the connection?
what has been shielding me from this feeling?
what has been stopping me from feeling the friendship?
is it that I've been at home, not meeting anyone from outside
is THIS making me feel all bad and negative like this?
is THIS making me feel 'alone'?

someone ALSO once told me
to not compare myself with others..
only compare with yourself
i think the main point is to ' be better than yourself, not others'
yeah shes right...
comparing only makes you feel.. sad? or dissatisfied?
but... you can't always avoid comparing with others
sometimes you'll never know what is 'better' if you don't compare right?
don't you think? :/

oh well...
not logging in skype was partially my own fault
cutting connections for myself was a bad choice?
but I didn't see the point of logging in anyway lol..
lol, my own stupid assumptions again?
but yea, still...
I still feel alone.
maybe its my own fault too that I always stay up so late
but... but.. I'm online even when it's early too :/
pfft...i wonder if this feeling will ever go away
I just don't understand why do i always need THAT reassurance
to be SURE and really SURE
that everything is okay and going fine and that nothing has changed or whatsoever bullshit
or sometimes...
is it just me, or did SHE changed a lot? :/
things are different now
perhaps I'm not as important as I used to be anymore huh?
or SHE's just being really busy with uni too?
but I have uni too isn't it? :/

har? chi yan ah, Y U THINK SO MUCH???

is it my fault that I can't put my full trust on it?
or the situation here is that I CAN'T put my full trust on it??
I don't get it. I really don't. :/

recently I went for my Peer Helping Programme Training Module 1
the counselor told us that it is important to actually meet a person
to keep a relationship strong

is she right?

yeah.. went out with HER recently...
clicked well.. can talk casually
but yeah, the 'feel' isn't really there eh?
not that is totally not there
but it's different.. definitely

did I change or did SHE change or it's really normal to feel so?? O.O

I'm not paid to be a friend you know?
it's not my 'job'

To be a friend,
in my way, I WILLINGLY be a friend with ALL my heart
without being forced to or asked to
I'm not the type who will simply know a person from the street and randomly label them as my
bestfriends.. or perhaps even as a friend -.-
that's not me..
it takes time for me to warm up and build my trust for you and also our friendship together
once its built, it will be there for a long time :)
and as long as you or I don't break it
then i will unconditionally love you, all my heart! (as a friend of course :) )

so again, why am i feeling all these stuff again huh??
this is so confusing
even I can't understand what I want at this point..

I mean... I still am 'loved'
but why why why???
why chi yan why?
what you want? -.-

I really and truly have no idea... :/

Gambateh for finals first ba..
then only find the answer to my own questions

Lost,
Chi Yan

p/s:
To all UTAR students,
to Nicole C,
to my uni friends: Nikki, Jean, Diyana, Shinyi, Wen Jing, Xin Yi, Wai Ying, Sin Wai, Yuh Jing, Hui Ying!
Good luck for finals :)
Jiayou together! :)