Defeated

100 things can happen to make a wonderful day, but it will only take 1 thing to ruin that wonderful day.
It best describes my day today.

Just needed to get this stone off my heart.

Warning: Severe Kiasu + Depressing post alert

 

My results for my Year 1 Semester 3

If I ever show this to my parents, the first thing they'll ask is, what subject got B? 

How many would ask what I got A for? 

Answer is None.

Did I do well? If I can overlook that B, of course I did. But why overlook it? Why be in denial when we all know how much the effect of the B- has on my GPA as well as CGPA? Dean List student? Ain't me.

My current GPA is 3.56.

I know, I have high expectations on myself because I sacrificed what I thought what it's worth. In fact, I think I might even have too high expectations on myself. I'm an over-achiever-wannabe of some sort. But it's what keeps me going. 

So, I got B- for Journalism. Coursework marks represent 70% for the subject and mine was 51/70.

Getting a B- would mean I got somewhere in between 60-64 altogether.

With finals representing 30%. Well, you do the math. I failed my finals for Journalism.

How do I feel? Awful.

Mainly because my overall CGPA dropped, I missed Dean's List. And secondly, of all the subjects that I got B-, it was Journalism. Just awful. When that appears in my transcript in the future, do you think anyone would even recruit me as a journalist?

That hurts so much. All I want was to get over degree and do things I want to do. Well, I don't need to do that anymore. No, let me rephrase. I can't do that anymore. Feeling so broken and shattered. I knew I wouldn't do super well. I expected a B+ but a B- just feels utterly awful, disappointing and discouraging.

Not only did it shatter my dreams. It pulled me away from my aims of graduating with Distinction. 

Of course, hardwork pays off as proven by the other subjects which I studied for and managed to score A.

But Journalism is an evidence that hard work does not always pay off.

What passion. What effort. What hard work. Just, what is that? 

Expectations by others kills. But the expectations we put on ourselves kills more. The moment we fall.

It's definitely a greater fall.

I knew the results were coming out today but I chose to go to work because I thought only 2 things could happen:

A) My Results are good. Cheering me up and enhancing my work performance. 

B) My Results is not what I expect. Use work to cheer me up because showing a sour face is not an option. 

Obviously, situation B happened. But the cheering up part? Meh, didn't work because that B- was worse than I expected and did more damage than I expected. Almost teared up and cried but I didn't and couldn't because I'm working.

Well, my colleagues said I did good. Of course, 4As 1Bs is not bad but I'm looking at my GPA/CGPA.

That one little Bitch pulled me down and it seems nothing can be done about it.

I came home today from work and thought that everyone (my parents) were asleep but my mum came out the room and told me there's soup in the kitchen for me. I took the opportunity to tell her about my results. She sounded a little disappointed that I didn't maintain my CGPA. I told her I got B for Journalism and when she figured that it was the subject/lecturer that I'd been complaining about for the past few weeks. She told me 'its okay la'.

'It's okay la' 

I think she really meant it, that it's fine if I didn't do as well as before. The problem lies within me. My own desire. The fact I want to make her proud of me and I didn't. I failed to do so.

Is it my bad that I got B-? Or is the problem really surface from the lecturer itself?

It seems my friends are getting Bs and Cs with this subjects as well. As? Not that I heard of yet (maybe). I wish someone got it though. Proves how we should get what we deserve for all the work we put in. Apparently, the lecturer is known to be superbly STRICT. Is it our fault we can't meet up her expectation? Or is it just that she is expecting an impossible level of world-class articles* from Introduction to Journalism students?

Because we're not putting enough effort to be world-class article* writer within 14 weeks? Is she telling us it's possible to do it within 14 weeks? But the fact that we have so many other subjects and assignments to juggle with, all most of us can do is just to keep up!

(*Definition of world-class articles may vary)

But how? I know some of my classmates who do amazing and superb in the class work. Even my myself  got a 9.5/10 article for assignment 2. I tried to do as I did but I just don't get as much after.

For my assignment 3 which requires us to write a FICTIONAL article that includes all kinds of news value and some other elements that needs to be included. I worked on an article of the discovery of dinosaur bones. I got 6.5/10. I don't know why, it could be because I didn't arrange it well or didn't include a certain elements/news value. 

But if it's because she thinks it's illogical. She's got to see this recent news.

http://says.com/my/news/researchers-unearth-130-feet-long-and-65-feet-tall-biggest-dinosaur-ever

I mean, I'm just exploring the possibilities. I don't mean it's 100% true.

Either way, all I know is, I failed my finals for this subject and ended up with a B- 

The RM200 worth project. The piles and piles of newspaper everyone collected and read. The courage to voice out opinions that may be sensitive. Everything comes down to a B-

So much for being so pumped up and determined that I will do well the night before the paper itself. 

It's probably not as bad as I think but I expect a lot from myself and this is just bad to me. 

But if there was 1 word I'd use to describe how I feel about this, is Defeated. 

I'm hurt. I'm wounded but that doesn't mean I'm going to give up trying to get a hold of my CGPA. 

Yes, my CGPA means a lot to me because I believe that my occupation now is a student, and I believe 'working' for my CGPA is my 'duty'. And I'm both kiasu and kiasi. 

Please, just don't mind me while I'm in this wounded state until I decided to get up and get back on track.

I'd probably say a lot of things that I don't mean to say when I have calmed down. I'm sorry.

I just can't stop the tears. I just want to hide in a corner and let everything out.

If I ever sound annoying to you or that I'm actually sad just because of one single B.

I'm sorry. I can't help it.
But you probably just don't/can't understand how I feel. :'(