6 years on..

wow..

I can't believe I'm back here, writing on this cringey URL, cringey design/layout, and a cringey header that I designed many years back when I was so obsessed with Skyrim. 

I had been trying to access this for a long time but I just couldn't remember or reset my password. So, eventually I gave up. 

But few weeks ago, I was going through a rather somber evening, I had so many thoughts and emotions that I needed a place to process these thoughts, and eventually found access again. 

Reading through all my old posts, some I laughed, some I cringed. It's been too long ago and I've definitely outgrown who I was. 

They're good memories, they made me who I am, but it is also time to move on.
Till then :)

The end of an era

101 days later, this is the end.

Thank you for the 5 amazing years.

You had nothing to say to me unless I had questions, that's how much the friendship meant to you.
I understand now.

Sorry for not giving the 'freedom' you needed.
I'm sorry I 'trapped' you for 5 long years.

Thank you for telling me now that it is all over.
For helping me find my closure.

Today, I lost a good friend that I will never ever get back.
Not because I gave up, but because you did.

Dare You to Move - Switchfoot

It's been a long time since I've heard of the Jayesslee twin.
But listening to this beautiful rendition by them again just made me tear up, I felt something.
This has been my song to go to ever since I heard it years ago every time when I am feeling down.
It might not tell me what to do, it doesn't help but it clears my mind.
It reminds me what I truly want.

I have a lot of things going on in my mind now.
A lot of things that I want to do but all of which I am too fearful to take the leap of faith.

Perhaps you guys are right, I need to be brave enough to move.
I miss them. They never said goodbye.

Have faith. Be strong. Stay focused.

When nobody believes that you can do it, tell yourself that you can.
When everybody doubt you, tell yourself that you don't.
When everything people say is a discouragement, push it aside and fight on.

Show em' what you're made it.


If you put your mind to it, nothing can stand in your way.
Your mind is strong. You just need to believe it.

You shall win your own race because no one else can.
Chi Yan, Have faith. Be strong. Stay focused.

May the odds be ever in your favour. 103.

Thank you Alvin

I'm back again.

Alvin saw me last Friday when I was in my rampage mode, crying and slamming things.

Today when I went into his room to share some crackers (on my boss behalf)
He actually whispered to me: "are you okay?"

So I told him ya I am. Just that I couldnt channel my dissatisfaction (didnt explain what) the other day.
And said sorry if I took him by surprise. 

He told me to "it's okay. be patient and take it easy"
It may be nothing to you but in that moment, it was comforting to me..

I guess he was really concerned.. 
Because for all I know, he really could care less.

I guess he kinda guessed who made me upset (without me telling).
So when I was at the lobby waiting for a lift and he saw me.
because he saw the person and he knows I'm trying to avoid.. He told me to quickly go!!!!

Hahahaha.. silly! 

- Chi Yan -

Thank you Kheng Boon

Hi.

Been some time since I've blogged.

Work has been taxing of late, things been happening..
I went full-on rampage mode twice throughout the weekend..

I hit the table till I get a bruise..
I get upset..
I get unhappy..

Yes, I am thinking about quitting.

Yes, still thinking.
But I take one step at a time day..
Let the days pass day by day..

But you know what?
Something nice happened today and I decided that everytime someone do something nice to me.
I'll write it here..

I wanna remind myself that no matter how many 'cilaka' people are there in this world
There is always someone good out there..
The world is just divided..

So there was something work related that I wasn't very good at..
It had to do with a Payment Requisition Form where I fill it up to process a payment to a 3rd party.
This was supposed to be a simple thing until this time I had to do it for a foreign company (in Singapore) and there was something to do with tax.

The day before, an Indian lady came to me and said things like:
"Aiyo girl, you have to be more careful. what do you mean you try? You must do it."
"Aiyo.. you dont know how to do this ah?"

Triggered me a bit but I stayed calm.
Kept a straight face because problem was, I never knew what went wrong too.

The form requires 3 signature:
1. From me (the person who prepare it)
2. My boss (the person who checks it)
3. My big boss (the person who verified and approve it)

And yep, the form had all 3 signatures.
So, before putting the blame on us for being "careless" just...
C'mon.. everyone has their own forte.. this is yours, not ours..
Come with an open heart to guide and correct
Not here to point fingers and blame..

But then again, who am i to teach you how to behave? 

Anyway, moving on...
Until this morning, I still had some questions and checked with this uncle called Kheng Boon (who was with the Indian lady when she came over, and he left me with his extension so I could call him incase I had more question)
So I gave him a call and asked, he explained it patiently to me and said he needs to clarify something..
Said he will call me back.
About 15 minutes later, he was at my desk, patiently explaining to me what I need to do.

I felt apologetic and said: "I'm sorry for troubling you again" (I really feel bad about it)
and he said..
"Nevermind, it's okay. You are still learning."
with the most genuine smile I've ever seen from a stranger since a long time.

In that moment, it made my heart smile too..
And all I could utter was "Thank you.."

Thank you Kheng Boon, God bless you.
Thank you for understanding that indeed I am still learning..

- Chi Yan -

Trapped

I'm not sure what is taking it's toll on me..

Work.. or my inability to channel my frustrations away.

Yes.. work life is normally "like that"
But I guess I never expected that family or friends to be "like that" too.

One of the worst feeling in the world is to feel alone even when surrounded by people.
Or to feel trapped in your own thoughts and unable to let it go.

But it's okay.. I'll get through it as usual.. Just a phase right?
Or rather I hope it's still just a phase.