My Room

I have my own room now.

Note: I am sorry to disappoint but heads up, this is yet another unhappy post.

Last Friday (16/9) was a holiday for Malaysia day.

So, my mum called some guys to come and paint my house.

The guys got everything done in one day and because of that, we started cleaning the house.
I went out for desserts with Emma after dinner.
Quite a good catch-up session I would say. 

Then yesterday morning, I woke up a little earlier than usual so I could meet Nikki. 

When I woke up, I saw a big package in the living room and I asked what it was.
Turns out to be a new wardrobe for my brother.

So it happened.
I moved my brother to the next room so that he wouldn't disturb me sleep on weekdays.

Because..
1. He usually hang out in midnight and come home in midnight, and he will enter the room to take his stuff and will wake me up. (I am a light sleeper)
2. He sometimes have classes at 8am and he has to wake up at 6am. I have to work on weekdays and have to wake up at 6.30am. So instead of sleeping until 6.30am. Yup, I would be awoken at 6am and falling asleep for 30mins more is equivalent to none because I'm already awake at 6am and my body is alert and ready to wake up 30 mins later.
3. I don't know why he has to switch on the alarm on weekends and that disturbs my only time to sleep-in.
4. If he doesn't hang out, I usually go to bed at 11.30pm on weekdays and he is gaming or Skyping, with the lights on in my room. It used to not bother me because I have anxiety of being alone but when I am tired and I need rest, this becomes something that I need to tolerate.

I think it was one random midnight that took its toll on my patience where he was skyping in the midnight and was laughing until I woke up. Befoer I went back to deep sleep, he was playing his game without headphones on and I just yelled at him to turn the volume down.

Because the next day/following weekend I complained to my mom about it and she said we would move him after the guys come to paint my house.

So after I got home after hanging out with Nikki yesterday. My room only had my bed and the other room with my bro's bed.

I feel empty.

I think we are both quite a little sad about it because..
we won't have our midnight talks where we lie on our own beds and talk until one of us fall asleep..
we won't be playing game next to each other with the laptop on my bed and we show each other whatever stupid video/pic we see on fb..

It may sound like a good thing to have our own rooms but the both of us know..
yesterday night, we both lost something.

"Do I need to use headphones? No need la, I can switch on my speaker because I have no one to disturb anyway lel"
"When you realised you have to sleep alone, shit. lel"

Yup. We don't say it directly but we know..

So I told him..
"You can still come and play in my room if you want you know?"

"Yeah sure"

Yesterday was my first night sleeping on my own in my own room.
I finally fell asleep when I was too tired while pressing my phone since I have no one to talk to anyway.

The fact I am now going to sleep alone in my own room isn't helping the fact I am feeling lonely nowadays, I close my doors when I switch on my ac. I think the idea that someone is around soothes me. Closed doors doesn't help.

And if you're wondering why I'm feeling "lonely". In all honesty, I can't deny but for some reasons, something has triggered an emptiness in me and I often feel lonely. I am also pretty fragile emotionally. Perhaps, stress has taken its tolls on me.

It's like.. I am aware of the people who cares about me but yet.. I don't even know why I'm feeling this horrible nowadays.. The worst thing has always been to pretend you're okay when you know you're not.


You can be alone without feeling lonely.
You can be lonely even without being alone.

I am not afraid of being alone but I am afraid of being lonely and I don't know who can I talk to about this.

You must be wondering, what happened to the Chi Yan who was all about being positive a few weeks ago?
I don't know either. Even I know I need that self back soon and the sooner the better. 

I need to be positive again.
I want to be positive again.

I don't know how long this period of emptiness will last but
I am sorry to the people whom I've been unconsciously making unhappy with my own unhappiness...
And just because there are no better words, I am sorry.. 

- Chi Yan -