Disappointed

Disappointment: Over promise, Under deliver.

Is this karma acting up?

Been disappointed quite a lot lately. Both by myself and others. No, this post has nothing to do with assignments (because I've not started them) but rather a little more on my social life.

No doubt, others don't owe me anything but yet I feel so uncomfortable and unhappy that it happens.

Some things just can't be helped aye? 

Note: Ranting post ahead. Loads of negativity, sensitive words and possibly offending opinions.
I warned ya.  


Think I've mentioned that my final year project event is over and we're in the stage of post-mortem and preparing evaluation reports as of now. I guess the first disappointment-combo/rally started here.

No, I dont think my event sucked. I think we did well but I did expect to cry like shit at the end of the event or perhaps when the documentary video of us since day one of the planning of the event shows. Turns out, neither happened. The video wasn't shown (and seems like won't be shown to us at all.. I mean, i doubt and I think it's not because of other reasons but simply the reason that the video does not exist).

Expected a rather long-winded (but necessary) thank you speech from the relevant parties after the event but all I remember hearing was 'clean up faster clean up faster' 'fuck this shit' 'fucking clean faster' 'go home now' etc. etc. etc. Just like pizza, you gotta eat it while it's hot and.... why would anyone prefer cold pizza over a hot one?

Anyway, that's that. Perhaps everyone was tired.  I was too.

Then, our gang been saying since idk how long ago to go and have fun (eg: sing k) together after our event. Which never happened even until today. Probably because most of our deadlines are extended which pretty much.. takes up our time. That's disappointment combo 2. I was quite ready since the idea was planted in my head. Couldn't be helped.

Moving on, recently, the new hit movie, Zootopia. Heard many reviews and stories and excerpts of the story and it really got me going that I want to spend some bucks to support and watch the movie in the cinema.

Because everyone was talking about it and I felt shitty to feel left out, I wanted to invite people out to watch movie and it was during... the white valentines day? It's the time I realise that because of my uni life. I have lost my social life. I didn't know who I wanted to hang out and the people I wanted to hang out with either rejected me or just didn't respond. The feelings sucks. I chose my work over my friends and now I lost them. Or rather, after so long, I've lost touch and it would be awkward to re-join them. (Yes there were other on-going plans like a drinking session but I didn't join because I didn't feel comfortable under that situation with that bunch of friends whom I've not hung out with a long time/hung out long enough to join them in a bar to drink).

Makes me feel disappointed with the choices I make. Look what I've done.

Few days later, a bunch of friends called me out and invited me to a movie and that was my chance. I said, if it's Zootopia, I am on. If it's any other movie other than Zootopia, I'm opting out. No, don't think the intention was bad because they probably wanted to see me. So they told me we were going to watch Zootopia and I agreed to go out. Chose to go out over my assignments. Rare. 

Before heading out, over our conversation in Whatsapp (after I agreed to go out), suddenly, people started saying things like they've promised to watch Zootopia with another bunch of friends. Then suddenly the "I already watch Zootopia, let's watch something else" come out. So, I said, fine, I don't mind watching alone as long as I get to watch it, I will hang out with you guys. We agreed on that. Someone said to me, 'nevermind, i can watch Zootopia again with u, dont worry you will get to watch it'

Anyway, after we went out, they brought me to a dessert place called Tsujiri in Damansara Uptown. Expensive shit and worst part, green tea dessert. (Nuh-uh, how am i gonna sleep?) Anyway, fine since it was the recent birthday girl's wish and somehow I was inherently forced to pay for her. (I don't mind if I was told beforehand but I don't like it when they make me pay first and tell me later that I'm paying for someone else, do you know the importance of pre-empting someone?) Ok, I'm being calculative but why force me to buy an insincere gift aye? Karma on me but I initially only planned to spend on the movie and some food because I was running low on my allowance and Wednesday's has cheap tickets.

Anddddd because we spent too much time at Tsujiri, I was late for Zootopia! It was supposed to be 10.40pm but we only reached the cinema at 10.55pm. In the car otw to cinema, I was also told that, it's ok to miss out, we'll just catch the one at midnight 12.30am. Initially, I was promised that no matter what, I will get to watch it.  I was assured but I doubt.

In fact, I brought my copyright law book with me because I had a feeling they would 'cheat' me into going out with them and I already said that I will read a book if we are not watching Zootopia.When we reached the place to purchase ticket and you can already started hearing complaints that midnight show was too late blah etc.

In the end, they decided to watch Kung Fu Panda 3 (their initial plan as mentioned via whatsapp conversation). I was quite insistent on reading my law book but they kept telling me that it's dangerous and saying that since i'm already there, I should just watch it. In the end, peer pressure, didn't want to be the party pooper and spent RM10 for the ticket and another RM13 for the snacks. (Erm, it was quite late and I was hungry. Spend.)

Turns out. The movie sucked (for me). The story progression was weird (too slow in beginning and ended too abruptly) and being a comedy-based animation movie, I barely laughed. Not because of my mood but just because the joke-element was too lame to be laughed about. More like, it's just cute than funny.

Ok, so that was that. I felt cheated to be dragged out and spent money on a movie I don't feel like watching and on things I didn't feel like buying. Came home tired and was unable to finish work that I was supposed to do. More like my fault for choosing fun over work.

You must be wondering, money is yours. are you sure others can force you? I assure you, yes, it's possible. You will only know it if you were in my shoes. or I'm sure you've experienced it yourself. No need for me to explain.

Anyway, the reason that I was so firm with what I said because nothing else at the moment entices me. I only wanted to watch Zootopia. Not that I hate Kung Fu Panda but.. this is the way I put it.. it's like:
"Yes I am okay to drink Sprite but if I have a choice, I wouldn't pay to drink it" I was quite pissed off about being 'forced' to watch Kung Fu Panda... still am.

Back to just now, earlier in the evening while I was on the way home, I was 'inception-ed' with an idea that we would be hanging out the next day (Tuesday night) after working on our assignment. Prior to dinner (after I was planted with that idea earlier), I rejected an invitation for dinner with that bunch of friend who brought me out for Kung Fu Panda (but this time with a few others whom I've not hung out with a long time). Well, running low allowance, I could only choose one and I chose them.

A little after dinner, I was told to proposed the 'planted idea' to others and while proposing, this friend who planted the idea called off the plan because he had other plans. He "forgot". Oh?

Then, another friend of mine, probably trying to console me from the disappointment said that I could overnight at their home and we'll still go out anyway. Well, I questioned or rather doubted, what if you guys are not keen about it, then you will disappoint me too. Guess what answer I got? "You didn't know we very on de meh" (Uh-huh sure they are but what are the odds)

After the initial plan was called off (officially). I was still chatting with this friend who offered me the alternative for my raging instinct to go out and play. I just told her that my concern is.. if her mate doesnt want to go out and play, she wouldn't be able to go out and play too. Not just a  matter of whether she wants to bring me out or not.

Anyway, after some chit chat, I gave the idea some thoughts and told myself. Fuck it, if I'm gonna work hard today I might as well reward myself tomorrow.  So I asked her again if she was serious about alternative plan. Well, she wasn't rude and kindly replied that yes, her mates are quite keen on the plan but they were not sure if the other mate was on, and explained the 'you know the house rules' to me.

Mm hmm, understood. There was nothing she could do and the circumstances were not something she could control. But just another set of disappointment for me.

Initially I was motivated to get my work done to deserve the reward tomorrow. But now, I am just demotivated and disappointed. Feeling all glum and this flu I'm having ain't helping at all. After all these rounds disappointment. I start to feel.. angry. Like an inner-rebel just want to rage and fuck everything. Like just want to do the opposite of everything I am supposed to do. And that's bad.

Sometimes, some things, you can't tell it in people's face because.. you might hurt them. But then again, knowing that this post will be seen by some of the people mentioned above, who am i kidding? Maybe I do want them to see it, but I just.. don't dare to tell them in the face. I just want someone to know how I feel.

Yes, I am sensitive but that is a part of me and a part of who I really am. Can I help if I feel more emotionally affected by a certain word or action? No. Change how I think? Easier said than done.
 Maybe to some, words are just words. It's just me who took things too seriously. It's just me who didn't put my priorities. It's just me who think I am very important in people's life. But no. Perhaps a lie to myself or it's just me who think too highly of myself.

Perhaps, I am indeed just a nerd whom if given a choice, would be left out.

After these few times where I wanted to hang out but you know... people got my hopes up and then you just crush it down. That sucks big times. I mean, if people don't intend to keep their promises, could they at least don't say anything that entices me to go out and have fun? Sounds selfish.. aye.

Yup, I'm a selfish person. Yes, maybe I only care how I feel in these instances. But then again, isn't it human nature? Am I selfish or is this resentment a reflection of others' selfishness? Think.

But after all these ranting, the point is... The lesson to all:
Don't make promises you can't keep. Just don't. 
 
Disappointed,
Chi Yan