does she knows?

warning: somewhat disturbing post ahead? 

as you know, i started degree and..
it hasnt been really well these few days
been crying myself to sleep
and losing my appetite to eat

to a certain extend(yesterday), literally skipped lunch
and ended up giving my gastric
serves me right -.-

and everything i ate, make me feel like puking..
it sucks..
i was beggining to worry if im developing some shit ass anorexia thing
because i wasnt really eating since faculty day 2 weeks ago O.O
but dont worry, im ok... am eating again :X

i am actually suspecting that im having problems with anxiety
(which i admit, yes i do have some anxiety issues , which MAY need professional help)
but today was ok.. maybe because it was weekends
and i feel calmer
then i could eat again after getting some rest too..

rest assured, im not afraid of food
i just cant find the appetite to put in my mouth and swallow
if i force myself to eat, i chew it forever
and after i eat it, i feel like puking -.-
which is fantastically stupid 

im not sure if my mum figured out...
but she started trying to cook strong flavored food these few days
and... though i still couldn't eat as much as i could
i still ate more than what i felt like eating
(though i still feel like puking/gases after i eat >.<)
and she make me bring dry food (kit kat, cookies, sweets) to class
and said she'll try to get packed drinks(like milo) for me to bring :X
and making really tempting breakfast (which is REALLY tempting)
but yet i feel like eating

maybe its the timing.. or maybe its just the anxiety...
my appetite is SO bad...

oh.. and she was recommending me a some sort of life philosophy book
telling me i should read it..
does she know im having a hard time?
and that she thinks the book might help englighten me?
hmm.. im not sure but seriously i think im willing to try..
any way available to make myself feel better
i hate to feel this horrible too >.<

idk.. i hope i get used to everything soon...
talked to a few friends within the week.. secretly cried behind screen that is..
most tell me to chill..
some just cheered me up :)

the last i remembered.. i couldnt sleep and started counting GOATS (joke xD)
and 37 goats was the last number i remembered haha..
silly? but it worked..
tho not feeling well rested.. but i know i slept..

from the bottom of my heart,
thanks all of you for the support ;)
but i might just need your support a little bit longer
before i can heal myself mentally/physically(i dont know which)

i'm sorry i couldnt take care of myself..
mind over matter -.- (not sure if i used this phrase right)

-Chi Yan-